|Jim Rogers (1976-2010)|
Monday, March 28, 2011
IT TAKES SO LONG
The biggest challenge for me in recovering from grief is that it takes so long. And, frankly, I get discouraged, not only because of its continuing presence but also because I think I should handle it better. Just when I think I’m making progress, boom, it sweeps over me and feels new and fresh again.
Anything can unpredictably set me off—the news of rapper Nate Dogg’s death last week; a story I can’t tell Jim but need to tell Jim; his stuff boxed in my basement; the sight of a person that for a split second looks and feels like my brother. Just when I think I’m feeling better, gaining some perspective, something comes from nowhere to set me back in the throes of raw, painful missing and unending sadness.
This weekend, as many know, was the Rogers Family Lecture series, a memorial to the lives of Dad and Jim. Despite my family and so much joy surrounding the weekend, I had several instances where my eyes became damp and if alone, the tears would have flowed. It feels very important to be patient with myself right now, and not be weighed down by the discouragements or perceived setbacks. I’ve learned that these emotions come without warning or reason but the realization that the only way out of consuming grief is through reminds me how imperative it is to be both patient and gentle with my family, and myself.
But Jim was supposed to be there this weekend celebrating our father’s life damn it. He was part of the early planning process to bring Dr. Borg to Columbia for the weekend.
Baby brother, you were missed.